How I’m Learning to Leave My Anxiety Fuel Tank on Empty

I can’t remember when I started feeling it exactly, but I don’t remember a time without it. Anxiety. That ever-present tightness in my chest or inescapable thought process involving every possible world-ending scenario that would happen when I leave my home. It’s gotten better in the past couple of years thanks to finding a good therapist. Still, though, I continue to let my anxiety be the center of my own personal solar system of emotions and experiences. My anxiety fuel tank is always full and COVID certainly didn’t help any of this. But, 2020 did teach me something about what has been missing in my life. The way to empty the fuel tank and keep my anxiety from driving me to places I really don’t want to go: self-care.

“When I devote that fuel to other areas of my life, anxiety can’t use it. It can’t affect me as much because I’ve used it up on activities and thoughts that are more useful, fun, and keep me engaged positively in my life.”

I have always treated self-care in a different way. I used it more as an excuse to not do something. I’d get an invite to go out and immediately my anxiety would kick in. As “self-care,” I would just say no and move on. I had convinced myself that self-care was staying in and avoiding activities and gatherings because that appeased my anxiety. And later, I almost always regret these decisions to not partake in the fun, go to the bar, or join in the activity.

This began to change this year. 2020 forced me to observe this pattern of masking self-care as anxiety-appeasing instant gratification. With fewer social gatherings and truly being stuck indoors, I began to notice my anxiety manifesting in other ways. I saw that I was avoiding more of my life through this version of self-care. Avoiding life and situations is NOT self-care. Engaging in life and finding ways to make that voice of anxiety quieter is self-care.

My Pause and Reframe

I realized I needed to pause and really dive into what was going on. My favorite therapeutic question is the Miracle Question and so I asked myself what it would feel like to wake up tomorrow and not experience high levels of anxiety ever again. The thought was even so relieving; just thinking about it being gone made me smile. I felt like I could breathe fully and deeply. Living without anxiety would mean not my mind not traversing these deep labyrinths of imaginative fear, panic, and disaster that NEVER happen. I think about every possible bad thing and never stop to think about the good things that could happen. Then, I thought about the times when anxiety is not so present in my life and what contributes to making that possible. The result of this process was realizing that the things that help make anxiety less present in my life are actually methods of real self-care!

My Anxiety Is Not as Present When:

I get active. This was hard this year without access to gyms. Though even when I did have access to them, I was always anxious about going and sometimes used my old self-care tactics to avoid going. So to remove any barriers to getting to the gym and including at least 30 minutes of activity in my day, I got a Peloton. I use it every day, I have no excuse. It’s literally sitting in my living room. I don’t have to leave my apartment, go downstairs, see people, or anything. It’s great and really does make me feel better. My anxiety level is so much lower when I get a good ride in.

I practice mindfulness or meditate. In addition to the workouts on Peloton (I promise this is not an ad, I just really love my Peloton), they also have great meditation content. Sometimes my anxiety likes to creep up at night right before bed and force me on thought adventures to wild, exotic, and extremely unlikely scenarios. When I put on a sleep meditation, my mind calms down. I fall asleep quickly and sometimes even before the meditation ends. I find that I stay asleep during the night and feel more rested when I wake up.

I’m doing something creative. I love art, music, and books. Books allow me to escape to the universe of the book for a bit and I don’t have to be in the present of this world. I can go be with the characters and live in their world for a while; anxiety not welcome. Listening to music is one of my biggest escapes. It sometimes feels like the beats and rhythm give my mind a chance to funnel extra thought energy that may get turned into anxiety, into something happy and pleasant. When I listen to music during the day, explore music I love, and discover new songs, I feel very content. Some days I need to go further and actually create something. Even if it’s just a few beats on garageband or write a poem, write a page of a book, or just paint anything. This helps me feel much more relaxed and productive.

My Anxiety Revelation

These are just some examples, but there is a common theme here. These self-care activities use up energy that would just lie around and be used up by my anxiety. What I realized is that anxiety requires fuel. My mind and body are producing this fuel in the form of mental and physical energy that I needed to find better ways to channel. Anxiety turned my unfocused and unused ideas into worry by finding every possible bad outcome. Instead, I can channel those thoughts into something creative or productive. Whenever I sit around and don’t do any physical activity, anxiety turns that unused physical energy into tightness in my chest. By doing activities that get me moving and use up that physical energy, anxiety can’t get to it.

When I devote that fuel to other areas of my life, anxiety can’t use it. It can’t affect me as much because I’ve used it up on activities and thoughts that are more useful, fun, and keep me engaged positively in my life. I am making a commitment to using a different fuel moving forward. I will create positive energy that discontinues the Hummer that is my anxiety and makes me feel like a Tesla…

…that’s probably wishful thinking, so I’ll settle for a souped-up Prius.